"December is the loneliest month. I like to be alone. I just don't like to be lonely."

who's gonna save a little warmth for me?

Disclaimer: Sorry for the whiny, not-so-discrete messages. I literally only come here to rant semi publicly (because I don't really believe that people follow this anymore and my hand hurts when I rant furiously in my diary). Love ya.

I'm over it. And I know I say I'm over it just to pretend that I don't care, but I really am mostly over it. Its like a healed wound. It doesn't hurt anymore, but the scar does remind me of how much it sucked. And I don't necessarily want to hang out on the playground where I fell of the swing for the foreseeable future.

Its funny, because I say all this, and I feel all these things, but I could never shut you out. If you message me (which is sparse compared to what used to be our every day conversations months ago), I will respond. If you invite us all to hang out and I don't have a legitimate excuse, I will go. It's that crossroad between cutting you out so I can heal and refresh but risk disconnecting completely, or drastically decreasing exposure but still maintaining some contact so you know I'm alive. Meh. Way to go and make things complicated.

Its a whole lot of something about nothing. Thats really what it means. If I had to legitimately describe the situation to someone, they'd probably laugh in my face. Its stupid and I need to be over it. I need to know that I can legitimately love someone. I need to know that its in my cards. I need to know that I can trust myself to recognize it when it comes, because right now, I'm not so sure.

So there.

into you;

"But to break the cycle and force yourself to stop initiating contact, to stop making effort, and to stop caring about their response — that is much harder. That means admitting that you have lost a battle you didn’t even want to acknowledge you were fighting. But when we’re trying to get someone to love us back, it’s always a battle. And it’s one we’re almost always guaranteed to lose." - Chelsea Fagan

on repeat;

this world is gonna burn;

"You tell me that maybe one day I won’t need to hold myself so tightly, keep all of this love inside, be afraid of every leak and crack in my system. And maybe that’s true, and I will want to share as much as I possibly can with you. But I am not counting on it. I don’t believe it will happen, and it hasn’t yet. I would love to see you prove me wrong, but for now, I’m not waiting on anything. There is too much in me to care for, and I have only just begun to stop the bleeding."

(http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/i-only-love-myself/)
Being on my own has been wonderful in the sense of gaining independence and self-satisfaction. However, it has also helped me build these incredibly thick and tall walls to protect me from the world and consequently people too. So I guess thats what the 20's will be, figuring out a balance between the two.

water up to my knees;

It's such a peculiar thing. I've been myself for over 22 years now. And I'm still learning new things everyday about myself. How narcissistic! I would have never categorized myself a movie buff, yet that is something that I chose to describe myself and in return how others have begun to describe me.

I guess its with this chapter of my life coming to a temporary close. Till we take a short hiatus and see the world and regroup in the fall. 5 weeks and I'm on my way back home, to introduce such a huge part of myself to people who have become my confidants in my new home, away from home. It's rather scary, will they like it, will they understand?

Looking back on the past 4 years, I don't think I could say that I would have imagined things playing out like this. My impressions of what was going on actually was somewhat disconnected from what was happening. I would like to say I wish I realised it then, but would I have still ended up where I am and making the choices that I did? I can't say for sure.

Nonetheless, the waves are rolling in. I just need to keep my strength up to keep pushing, wading deeper into the water.

"We are told non-stop to sit and wait passively for the love of someone else to come and make things better, to wait until it validates and beautifies and rewards us for having been so patient. But think of all the wonderful things we could be doing instead of waiting, the people we could be if we weren’t tempering our us-ness to impress someone else. Surely even a mediocre day lived fully is better than the best day which is spent in waiting." - Chelsea Fagan